


So I fake, fake it again

by ibjyngs



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-14
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 06:30:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibjyngs/pseuds/ibjyngs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you. But it’ll never be in the way you want."  —  Jiyong wants and Seunghyun doesn't mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So I fake, fake it again

 

Jiyong’s thankful for the music, thankful for the excuse to work hours on end, days even. He can disappear for a short while and put all his emotions on paper, put them to good use. Sometimes if he works hard enough a song will come out. Another hit he can proudly brag to YG about. Other times, like now, he uses it just to pass the time. Nobody ever bothers to question him when he’s “busy at the studio”. And Jiyong mostly likes it that way. It’s quiet and lonely. Like this little space of heaven and hell combined. He figures either way, it’s what he deserves.

It’s nearly 4am when he gets a text. He has his headphones on and music blasting on them so loud he can barely think. And he almost misses it, that slight vibration coming from his pocket. When he pulls out his phone and  reads the message, he’s not even surprised. Because honestly who else would have the decency to be texting this late (or this early). 

It’s Seunghyun. Of course it’s Seunghyun. Whenever things come to this point, he’s the only one who manages to reach out. Even if it wasn't his fault at all, always playing the good guy.

**` Hey r u still at the studio? Wanna meet up?` **

He considers it for a second, thinks about who was the one who could’ve told him where he was.

**` Sorry busy at the moment. Almost got sumthing. Next time k?` **

He types it quick but reads it over at least six times before hitting send and shutting off his phone. He throws off his headphones and leans back in his chair and shuts his eyes.

In a perfect world he would’ve replied **`Sure where?`** In a more perfect world he wouldn’t even need to reply, wouldn’t even be at the studio, he’d already be there.

 

———

 

"Please," Jiyong begs, "let me just have this. _Please_."

And Seunghyun doesn’t say no. Instead he takes in a deep breath and kisses him hard and slow. Because even though he doesn’t want it, Seunghyun is a good friend. Seunghyun is patient. Seunghyun is loyal. Seunghyun is fucking everything Jiyong wants to be but can’t. And so Jiyong grasps onto this opportunity for all it’s worth, holds him close, so tight it almost hurts. 

The kiss itself is sloppy, too much teeth clacking, and Jiyong can feel spit trailing down to his chin. But all the emotions are there and all the pieces are right. It’s enough, more than enough, Jiyong decides. _He’s doing this much for you. How can you be so selfish when he’s already forcing himself this far._

 

———

 

"I’m sorry…about before…about everything."

"You don’t have to apologize."

"I know but I want to. And I will," Jiyong says but feels stupid because now he’s all nerves, all shuffling feet and eyes that can’t go up higher than Seunghyun’s shoulders. "It’s just…I ruined it—us—everything— "

"Hey…no." Seunghyun shakes his head and closes the space between them, arms tight around his shoulders, a big hand already making soothing circles onto his back. "Don’t say that. It's okay...really."

And Jiyong wants to scream because no, it isn’t, none of this is. Every single ounce of normalancy has disappeared in their relationship and it's entirely Jiyong's fault. But with with Seunghyun holding him like this and treating him better than he deserves, he almost wants to believe it, that it really is okay. 

"Don't worry about it."

And Jiyong can't manage to say word, instead it takes everything in him just not to cry.  

 

———

 

Another late night at the studio and another song disected so many times, Jiyong’s already started to hate it.

His phones suddenly buzzes with a text. It catches him off guard but Jiyong welcomes the break.

It’s Seunghyun. **` Hey you busy?`**

And Jiyong stares at his phone for a long moment, rereads those three little words out loud over and over again until they sound almost foreign and silly.

He's selfish and stupid and in a self destructive pattern. He should have learned by now, he should have gotten over all those feelings while they were still small and petty and managable. Hell, Jiyong should have gotten over a lot of things.

But maybe this time, just one more time, he'll let himself indulge a bit. 

**` I’m hungry. U?` **

Jiyong types it quick and hits send before he has the chance to change his mind. He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes and just waits and waits.

 

**Author's Note:**

> (basically just a rambling of words, been on a creative block for so long it feels like i'm writing for the first fucking time)


End file.
